Corsets and Whips and Asari Saleswomen
by BrokenEmber
Summary: Post-Unraveling oneshot. Shepard goes out with the girls to a lingerie store. Shouldn't be that bad, right? My first attempt at humor. Oh goddess.


"Is this really, honestly, genuinely necessary?" Shepard glanced at the lingerie store in distaste, her nose crinkled.

The pink neon sign "Mademoiselle Fashion" made her nauseous. The vanilla and cotton-candy scent of the store trailed down a block away.

Miranda rolled her eyes, "How boring would it be for Garrus if you were just naked underneath your wedding dress?"

"Probably not that boring, Miranda."

Liara coughed and stretched awkwardly.

Tali giggled and glanced at Jack, whom was filing her nails. She scoffed.

"Listen, Shepard," the tattooed biotic glanced at her up and down, "You need something edible. I'm sure the turian'd love that."

Shepard blinked, looked at Liara and the two burst out laughing.

"This is ridiculous, girls."

Miranda rolled her eyes, grabbed her hand and pulled her towards the store. "No, it's normal. Come on. After this we can all do shots."

"I don't drink, Lawson," Shepard warned, her green eyes twinkling.

Jack coughed and said loudly, "Well, it's about goddamned time you started."

Tali just rolled her eyes and walked next to Shepard, "Have you thought about who your Maid of Honor will be?"

"Or your bridesmaids?" Liara asked.

The Commander shrugged and looked at Liara, "Honestly, I don't even know what the tradition is for turian wedding ceremonies."

Miranda opened the door to the store, "So you've already decided on having it based on his culture?"

Shepard shook her head as she walked inside, "No. We haven't had a real chance to discuss it."

The tattooed biotic laughed and pointed to a table in the middle of the store, "Now that...would solve all your ailments, Shepard."

"Dextro edible panties." Shepard picked up the clear box and read aloud, "Also comes with a vibrating setting." She set the box down and looked at Jack blankly.

Jack just grinned, "Dunno how he is in bed, Shep. You might need extra help finishing."

Miranda placed her index finger and thumb on the bridge of her nose and sighed. Tali blushed and looked at Shepard, awaiting her reaction. Liara stared at Jack, her mouth open.

"It's been a while since we've had sex...for obvious reasons," Shepard ran her hand on the back of her neck, "and I'm going to wait until the actually wedding night before it happens again."

The ex-convict waved her hand, "Whatever floats your boat, savior."

Shepard rolled her eyes and walked towards a mannequin that was dressed in a g-string and lacy bra. She sighed, disgusted.

"I might need professional help picking something out."

As if on cue, an asari dressed in revealing, tight red dress and heels walked towards her.

"Are you a bride-to-be?"

Shepard grinned and tucked a piece of black hair behind her ear, "Yeah. I am."

"What bust size are you?"

Shepard glanced at her chest and shrugged, "I think C."

"Have you been measured before?"

She blinked, "Excuse me, what?"

* * *

Miranda glanced at Jack, "So, Jack, why weren't you able to come to the mission on Illium?"

Jack shrugged her shoulders, "I had shit to do, Cheerleader. I got a new group of kids to train. They're younger, so I can shape them."

"Shape them?"

"Shape 'em. Mold 'em into the best goddamn biotic fighters out there. It's a lot better than some sissy teenagers that have been holding back to fit in to society."

Miranda blinked and looked at her pink nails, "How old are they exactly?"

"Seven to thirteen."

The ex-Cerberus agent clicked her tongue and took a step toward Shepard, "So...you must really have to hold your tongue, then."

Jack nodded, "Yeah, why?"

Miranda grinned, "Must be hard."

"Fuck you."

* * *

Shepard raised an eyebrow and looked at the asari in front of her with her omni-tool out. She chuckled lightly, "Okay. Yeah. Go ahead and measure my...body."

The asari smiled and gestured to a private room behind a large pink curtain. "You may undress in there and I'll be there in a minute with an outfit. Is your husband also a human?"

Shepard narrowed her eyes, "No. He's a turian. Garrus Vakarian. Soon to be Primarch of Palaven."

"Oh. Well, that certainly goes against turian tradition." the asari almost looked disappointed.

"Yes, I'm aware," Shepard said icily.

She was already annoyed with this saleswoman and the aroma of the store was making her nauseous. She didn't even want to buy a goddamned bra anymore.

"I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to offend you."

Shepard shrugged, "So, do you have any...sailor bras? White and blue, Alliance colors with the Normandy emblem or something?"

The asari nodded, "We're able to put any kind of logo or emblem that you choose onto our lingerie. What I personally see you in...is a black and red  
seventeenth century corset."

The Commander sighed, "Well fuck me. Let's go measure." She practically ran back into the private room and the asari walked behind the cashier counter and typed out an order.

Shepard slipped off her black t-shirt and looked at her black bra in the mirror. It seemed...lacy enough. What the fuck is the purpose of lingerie if they're just going to take it off?

The asari walked in with a sample corset and black whip and handed it to her.

_Whip?_

"I'll scan you and I'll be able to have a custom made corset in a few minutes."

* * *

Liara looked at Tali and smiled lightly.

"How's the fleet, Admiral?"

Tali laughed, "You should know, Shadow Broker. You have agents everywhere."

Liara grinned and examined a lacy blue bra then placed it back on the rack. "Not really, not after losing the Normandy to the Alliance."

The quarian sighed, "Is Shepard going to get her back?"

The asari shrugged, "I honestly have no idea what Shepard's going to do. I think she needs to get the wedding fully thought out so I can plan it beautifully. She doesn't even know if it'll be of turian tradition or if they're going to keep it neutral and elope."

Tali blinked, "Where would they elope to?"

"I believe the city is called Las Vegas. It's in the United States, on Earth." Liara looked at Shepard and called out, "Are you getting married by the twentieth century Elvis still?"

Shepard poked her head out of the curtain and nodded, "Fuck yeah!"

The asari looked back at Tali, "See? Quick, easy marriage by Elvis."

"Well if that's what Shepard wants...but Liara, who's Elvis?"

* * *

Miranda sighed, "Jack, I don't know who Shepard wants as her maids of honor. You heard her. I don't even think there are M.O.H.'s in turian ceremonies."

Jack crossed her arms, "I damn well better be her maid of honor. I'll even wear a dress and shit."

Miranda spotted a group of chairs in front of the changing room and waved everyone over to have a seat.

Jack smirked as she sat down, "Listen cheerleader, there will be no competition and bullshit fighting over this, okay?"

"Competition? Oh, darling, there is no competition. I'm pretty sure I'm Shepard's best friend." Miranda confirmed, looking again at her nails.

"Like Hell!" Tali sat down in between the two biotics, "I've been with Shepard since the beginning."

Liara sighed, "So have I, but I think we all know who the ONLY person Shepard would want is."

Like magic, Kelly Chambers walked into the store.

"Hey everyone! I just got Shepard's message. Am I late?"

* * *

**A/N: **And that was my attempt at humor. Did I fail?  
I just have a dry sense of humor. Most people don't find funny what I think is damn hilarious. So this is like a sequel oneshot thing to Unraveling.

What'd you think? Should I continue this too?

Review please!

_BrokenEmber_


End file.
